A Gay Man’s Take on Building a Family

College was still kicking me to the pavement, burying me with homework and projects, when most of the people that I went to high school with started getting married and having babies. Watching everyone start a new chapter of their life really stressed me out as I worried about mine, but the more I learned, the more I started to appreciate the time I am taking to think about my own plans.

Before you continue reading, I wrote this entry to help those who are still in the process of planning their future; I am not trying to offend or disrespect anyone in any way. We all have our unique way of living, and I am just simply sharing my views on getting married and having children.

I’m gay, and I’m sure that it’s going to be more complicated for me to build a family. Other than the fact that same-sex marriage is not legal in the Philippines at the moment, one of the things that keep me from getting married is I haven’t fully established my life as a single person.

Side Note: I have been single for over a year now but that is something that I will talk about in a different entry.

There’s this part of me that wants to fully know myself first before I get into the process of having someone in my life do that for me, because I feel like that would be an entirely different perspective of discovery.

You also have to make sure that you have a sustainable lifestyle, because having someone else in your life means you have to be more practical. I know that I haven’t achieved that, and I’m still making a lot of poor decisions as a single person. Poor decisions would often lead to a disagreement between two people, and as someone who has been standing by every decision I made, I don’t think that’s going to work out. I still have a lot to learn based on lowering my pride more, and knowing how to correct my mistakes.

Two years ago, I was in a relationship where everything was planned out. It didn’t work, and the main reason is because we were both “too young.” Now that I’m 22, I still think I’m too young to get married, and there’s no way that I can live with someone without making them feel secure about our future, and vice versa.

It’s important to have a mutual understanding and agreement on a lot of things, and how to work around those things if you come into a misunderstanding or a disagreement. If you’re not ready for that kind of commitment, then you’re not ready to get married, in fact, you’re not ready to be in a relationship. There’s also a lot of adjustment required after getting married, that’s why you have to be with someone you’re comfortable having around even in the darkest moments of your life.

This is not just me overthinking things: After going through the process of getting hitched, a family would not be complete without kids.

In my opinion, raising children as a really good parent requires a lot of adjustment, preparation, and commitment. You are going to have to sacrifice a lot of your time because you have to devote yourself to them.

In my opinion, I want to save up enough money first, and by enough I mean an amount that could provide a child with their basic needs. In fact, I want to save up enough money to get them through their basic education first before actually going through the process of planning.

For a gay person like me, there are options to build an actual family: adoption or surrogacy. Of course, it’s always going to depend on what my future partner (whoever that is) and I will agree on.

With same-sex marriage not legal in the Philippines, LGBT adoption is a gray area when it comes to adoption in the Philippines. As a homosexual individual, you are allowed to adopt a child only if you are not deemed “immoral” by the state, as one of the requirements for adoption is a “good moral character.” As a homosexual couple, there are no ways to file a joint adoption, and one of the reasons is the unavailability of same-sex marriage in the country.

I am very much aware that the country will not have a law that legally bonds an LGBT family anytime soon, so one of my options, is of course, to raise a family somewhere else. That also requires a lot of work, and adjustment, and it’s going to be another restart for me.

Surrogacy is another option which I think would make a lot of people feel better because they’re genetically related to the child they’re raising. This requires an in-depth legal guidance, and research. You have to make sure that you can trust the person who would be carrying your child.

Personally, if I have to choose between the two, I wouldn’t really have a problem with adoption. There are a lot of kids in foster homes, and I feel like there aren’t enough families who would consider adoption as an option when it comes to family building, and in a way, I would like to help, at least, one child to get out of a situation where they grow up without a family.

This is something which I think is really important for me to talk about because the process is going to be entirely different for me. This is a topic that our generation should be talking about because building a family for those who want it is a really crucial process in someone’s life.


Every Wednesday, I’ll be posting essays about life. Got any questions? Click here.

Header Image: Original Image from Google Images

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