The Solace of Suicide and the Essence of Existence

The mind is a very powerful thing. It can create new thoughts and ideas; it’s a storage of all the happiest and saddest memories of your life; it can help us achieve anything we put it into; and it can empower us in a lot of other great things. The mind can serve us greatly, however, if we allow it, the mind can also destroy us.

The way we look at things can change instantly. The abundance could bring beauty or chaos. The emptiness could bring you calm or desolation.

Before you continue reading, I just want to assure all of you that I’m entirely okay now.

This happened not long ago. Just when I thought I already found what I was looking for, things started to fall apart. All my hopes and plans crumbled into pieces. I became fragile, and I think that is the main reason why, if we put it simply, I started to inflict harm on myself, and It even reached a point where I just wanted to go into an endless slumber.

Others would say that self-harm is only a way to seek attention to those who don’t get enough of it. Apparently, to them, adding insult to injury is a cure for someone who has been hurt so badly that they would rather just hurt themselves to not feel whatever it is that is truly hurting them. It’s not just a break-up, it’s not just bullying, it’s not just the failure of the justice system, it’s not just depression, people who say people with suicidal thoughts are also part of the reason why such things happen.

People should learn that suicide is never a form of attention-seeking. It is something that is caused by a mental disorder and people who think that they would rather just quit should not be dragged down into the depths of their negative thoughts because it’s not going to help them.

I used to think that suicide is a stupid and a cowardly way of escaping someone’s problems. I have never been so wrong. I never knew that I would fully understand what it was like to have these thoughts until I was the one that went through it.

At first, it was all just self-harm. It slowly gained full control of me as I thought it was something that could help. All I could do then was hope. Hope that the pain that I get from it would really help me get over the greater pain that I’m feeling.

When I lost that hope, that’s when the suicidal thoughts started to take over. It’s a really dark thought that once you start thinking about it, it’s really hard to get it out of your head, but the freedom, the calm, the comfort, and the satisfaction of just thinking about it is really fascinating and addictive.

Despite of that, there was a part of me that just couldn’t go through with it because it’s selfish. I think about all the people around me, especially my sister who was really worried when she found out that it almost felt like I was also destroying her life as well. Then I also start to think about the things I could achieve in the future, and the new things I could discover.

There was this anonymous quote I read online:

“Suicide does not mean there was no killer.”

This is true. It’s important to remind ourselves all the time that someone’s life could be on our hands. It’s a responsibility, not a choice. We could be the ones sharpening the knife; we could be the ones tying the rope; we are the ones pulling the trigger; we could be the ones writing that suicide note; we could be the ones who switch off someone’s life support; but most importantly, we are the ones who can undo all of these things.

I will always be thankful for my sister because that’s what she was to me. What I learned was the people around me who care are greater than the reason of this chaos. They were the ones who stopped sharpening the knife; the ones who disassembled the rope; the ones who removed the bullets from the gun; they were my life support. I used these thoughts as a motivation to continue living my life, and I also used that as a power to have control over my mind.

Now, I am left with nothing but scars that have already faded. I have healed, and I want to use that experience to help other people who are going through it right now. As of now, this is one of the only ways I could help, through a simple love letter.

It gets better. It always does.

Every Wednesday, I’ll be posting essays about life. Got any questions? Click here.


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