I used to live my life with a treaty of silence that I ratified for myself. I let things go when I’m not supposed to. I had a system that follows one rule, and that is to shut up. I wrote on a journal to release all the anger instead of screaming.
I felt that everything about that treaty was right until I realized that there are some things inside of me that needs to be let out, like being gay. This is just one of the things that I kept in the dark that I felt is too important to keep. Overtime, being gay became a part of the silence, but as soon as I found the courage, I did my best to quietly make it obvious, and that’s when it became an open secret.
: a supposedly secret but generally known matter.”
– Merriam Webster Dictionary
At some point, it felt like there were people around me that were aware of this open secret who are not really willing to acknowledge it, and it felt like they didn’t want me to acknowledge it loudly either, so I had no choice but to follow the silent protocol.
The silence I have inside of me is something that others may consider gold. However, the longer I kept myself silent, the angrier I have become. While there are some with a glass half full and there are some with a glass half empty, I found myself with a glass that is already overflowing. That’s when I realized that the silent truth may be golden, but the truth spoken out loud is something that is more precious and stronger than gold.
With that realization, I prepared myself and thought of the most important people in my life, and that’s when I started emptying my glass by admitting that open secret to them. I would say the hardest part of it was not knowing how they would react to my revelation.
Some people thought that the sudden change of volume was attention-seeking. Some people said I really didn’t need to come out because it was already obvious, but when some people said they were surprised – which surprised me too, I knew that it was right to speak the truth out loud than to stay in the path of the silent obvious. In the end, what really mattered was the genuine support I felt from the people around me.
Although I still keep that treaty of silence an option, the fact that people can acknowledge my truth aloud has given me greater courage to acknowledge all the truths, that I used to keep in the dark, with pride and great audibility. And while for others, these truths may be considered as labels; for me, they are my driving force to not let myself settle for the silent truth ever again.
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